Pride and Ownership...

There is a part of every Dominant that is very difficult to see.  Within each Dominant is a part of him (substitute "her" if it makes you feel better or suits your situation) that very few will ever see.  Only those with which he is directly involved, such as his submissive, will likely see this side of him. This mysterious and hidden part is his sense of pride.

I have talked before about many of the new things and feelings that a submissive will experience and find about herself.  Not just anyone can pull this out of her.  It takes a special man..the right man...to be able to maneuver inside of her and find these special feelings.  She may be submissive, but she does not and will not submit to just anyone.  Only for him.  Only for the one that she feels has earned and deserves her submission.    Only for the one man that she feels comfortable opening up to and making herself vulnerable.  Only he is allowed to see this side of her.

The same goes for the Dominant.  There are parts of him that only his submissive will be allowed and privileged to see.  It's not because he is holding it back from everyone else.  It's not because he refuses to show and express his feelings.  It's because it takes that special woman, that special submissive, that can maneuver inside of him and allow him to feel things no one else can.

With the right submissive and partner, the Dominant will feel a sense of pride like at no other time.  It's a sense of pride in what he has been able to accomplish and in his submissive.  When his guidance and leadership has been able to help her see things like never before, and she feels sensations deep within her soul that she didn't know were even possible, his sense of pride begins to shine.  It's seeing his handy work come to fruition.  He has led and guided her down a path of discovery, and now she has discovered what he has been leading her to find.

He sees this within her.  He can sense the growth and progress she has made.  Based on the new discoveries and feelings, she presents herself and acts differently.  She has blossomed into someone much more beautiful in his eyes.  Knowing he has been able to hep her do this brings about his sense of pride.  It's like a teacher happy with his students.  It's like a parent happy with the decisions and choices of his children.  Yet, it's deeper and more emotional.  There is care and love.  There is appreciation.  There is a true sense of value.  There is affirmation of all you have been doing.  This is a pride like no other.

In this lifestyle we talk about ownership.  There is the physical ownership of a Dominant taking on a submissive.  She is his and belongs to him.  Yet, there is also the mental and emotional ownership that develops over time.  It's when she truly feels this within herself that she is truly owned.  When she feels it inside...when she feels like she belongs...when she feels like there is no other.  There really are no words to describe how this feels, but it is there and is a feeling only those that have been there understand.  Being able to get a submissive to this place and feeling owned...there is no feeling like that for a Dominant either.  That instills and brings forth a sense of pride in leadership that nothing else can do.

When she truly feels owned, not in the physical sense, but mentally and emotionally, and there is no greater feeling or place she would rather be, the pride a dominant feels is equal to the feelings she has in her ownership.  She has never been happier than being in this place, and he has never been more proud of her and all she has accomplished to get there.  In a way, she owns him as well.  This is what we all strive for...for two separate people to grow into one phenomenon that is greater than the both of them singly.  For both of them it brings about feelings of pride and of ownership.  And it's feelings that only that special person could have brought out of them...and that few other people will ever see.

Read more »

Differences In Perception (the meaning of "sub" as I see it)

We all see things differently.  That's part of what makes the world go around.  Many times we perceive the exact same thing very differently...and perception can be everything.  I recently had a conversation about subs, and the meaning of that word.  The word was taken too literally, I think, and out of context.  I was sent this definition of the word:

 sub- prefix definition 

1 : under : beneath : below

2a : subordinate : secondary : next lower than or inferior to b : subordinate portion of : subdivision of c : with repetition (as of a process) so as to form, stress, or deal with subordinate parts or relations

3: less than completely, perfectly, or normally : somewhat

4a : almost : nearly b : falling nearly in the category of and often adjoining : bordering on

The context was that a sub is a person who is less than someone else.  A person that is below their Dom, and therefore, is lower than Him in some way.  That they are not equal, and she is beneath Him.  That a sub isn't nearly the person a Dom is, and doesn't carry as much weight or matter as much.  I had to point out that nowhere...I repeat...NOWHERE...in this definition does the word submissive appear.  In my world, and the context I use it, the word sub only means and is short for the word submissive.  In no way do I feel like a submissive is below me, beneath me, or any less of a person.  We may be able to argue this a bit differently in a M/s relationship, but even in that dynamic it is a consensual agreement between them.  Granted, this is how I view a submissive and how I feel about it.  Some of you out there may see it differently.  But this is my world, and in my world, my views are what matter to me and with those I interact.  With me it is about mutual trust and respect.  It has an element of one being in control and the other submitting to that control.  Yet, at the same time it is about mutual love, admiration and adoration.  

I know we all have words we take the meaning of, and they mean something to us personally.  They are words that we absolutely despise.  I have no problem with that.  For some people, you can curse all you want, but if you say the word "fuck" (or insert your word of choice here), then it's like the world is going to end.  Some women, and understandably so, never want to be called a slut or a whore.  I totally respect that and really don't blame them.  Yet, I think it's all about the context.  No woman wants to be called a whore in general terms.  Yet, in the context of our relationship, if I call a woman "My Whore", then that has a totally different connotation to it.  Or at least that's my opinion.  

I was reading the blog Finding Sara a day or so ago.  Sara is involved in a completely voluntary Domestic Discipline relationship with her husband.  In one of her posts she wrote (I'm paraphrasing from a couple of different paragraphs):

I submit to my husband. That’s a choice on both our parts. It does not say anything about my abilities, intellect or ethic as a person…or about his, for that matter.  I do not submit to my husband because he is smarter than I am, a better person, has more vision, drive, or because he is superior. Grant would be the very first person to tell you this is true. I submit because we realized that you cannot have 2 captains on a ship that plans to make it successfully through a lifetime of voyages, especially knowing that there will be rough seas and the occasional storm. Sometimes he even asks me take the wheel, if he thinks it’s best, because he’s that kind of captain. He has come to trust me, knows I am capable, and there have been times when he was not at his best, or I simply knew those particular waters better than he did. A good captain will delegate.

This is great and this is powerful.  This is how I view a D/s relationship.  This is how I want and need it to be.  It has absolutely nothing to do with me being better than my partner, feeling like I am more than her, or feeling like she is below me in some way.  I am Dominant as it is part of me and my personality.  I want my partner to be submissive because it is part of who she is and needs to be.  She wants and needs me to guide and lead her.  She needs my steady and controlling hand.  She needs to be able to submit and enjoy all the wonders that come with that.  She does it because it makes her feel more like herself, and because it gives her a sense of total freedom because it is natural for her.  It has absolutely nothing to do with me feeling like a better person and more than her. 

To me, a relationship is just that...a relationship and a partnership.  It is mutually nourishing and we each compliment the other.  It isn't about one person being any less than the other.  It is about needing each other to make each other feel whole and complete.  That without each other, we are missing an important piece of ourselves, and don’t feel whole.  One where we both contribute and are on board with each other’s needs and desires.  We just happen to have a dynamic involved that many people don't like or understand.  This isn't for everyone.  There is no doubt about that.  But for those that do have a need for a dynamic such as this, it can be and is a beautiful thing.   

So, yes I am Dominant.  Yes, I like to have a submissive partner.  Does this mean I want someone that feels she is below me?  Not even close!  I want someone that has her own opinions, speaks her mind, and isn't afraid to share it with me.  Someone that freely and willingly gives herself to me completely.  And by the way, that is something I value and cherish with all of my being.  Someone I can let be the "Captain" when needed.  Someone that wants input and knows her voice will be heard.  Someone that wants my guidance and trusts me to make the right decisions, yet can feel free to ask me why I do something a certain way.  Not because they question me, my ability, or Dominance and what I'm doing, but because we have that ability as a part of our dynamic.  The ability to question as a way to better understand, and maybe she will even make suggestions I haven't thought about, in order to make things better.   

I understand it is our perception and meaning of words that shape our views.  Maybe this perception is right...maybe it's not.  But we all need the ability to be able to ask for clarification and gain some understanding of a view that is different from our own.  Sometimes a debate or argument is all based on a misunderstanding of a faulty interpretation or perceived gesture.  So for me...I don't want a "sub"...I want a submissive partner in crime.  

Read more »

Bring Me To Life

Being in the lifestyle we are, or at least having the way of thinking that we do, our brains tend to gravitate towards D/s situations and ideals.  We are all more open minded than mainstream society, and our minds tend to work a bit differently.  That's just a fact and the way we are. 

Today for me is no different.  I went out to get some lunch and heard a song on the radio that I have heard a hundred times before.  I've always liked the song, but today, for whatever reason, I really listened to the words.  It was one of those light bulb moments for me.  AH HA!!!   So I went back to the office and looked up the lyrics.  They had such a deep meaning and came across just as I thought.  Well...to me at least and my my working the way it does. 

The song is "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence.  If you read the lyrics, it sounds just like a submissive.  She has found herself and realized who and what she is.  She now sees this and doesn't, or can't, be without it any longer.  It's as if she is crying out to her Dom or Master...."save me from the nothing I've become".    "Breathe into me and make me real.  Bring me to life."  "I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside."  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  So...of course I had to share it with you, my faithful followers and readers.  :)

Below is the video and the lyrics to the song.  I hope you'll take the time to listen and read them.  Maybe it will have the same meaning and affect on you.  Maybe you will see yourself in this song.  Maybe you already have. 



       

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb 

without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

Read more »

Broken? I think Not!

Do you look in the mirror and see a clear picture of yourself?  Do you see yourself as broken?  Incomplete?  Hollow?  Confused?  Ugly?

Having dealt with a couple of newly self-discovered submissives, and talked with others, these are questions that can be very hard for them to answer.  There is no clear cut direction for them and they can feel lost and as though they are wandering about aimlessly.  The good part is that most submissives in this position find themselves under the direction of a Dominant, Master or Mentor.  They have someone to guide them long the journey they now find themselves traveling.  This is a great situation for a new submissive.  She will need a caring hand.  Someone to lead her down the path of enlightenment.  Someone that can keep her on the line and from straying.  Someone that can support her mentally and emotionally through this drastically changed time of her life. 

Some submissives however, find they are alone and not knowing how to deal with the feelings they have.  The reason they are alone is not that important.  The fact is that they are alone.  Many submissives know they have felt different their whole life. They have always felt submissive to others, not necessarily in a sexual sense, but have never really understood the feelings they have, or why.  This can be a very confusing time.  She is feeling the pull to be who and what she is, yet this can be contradictory to everything she has been told her whole life.  How to behave, what is expected of her, how a lady should act, to be a self-supportive independent woman, etc...  Nonetheless, she has the need to serve.  She has the need to be controlled.  She has the need to be used.  She has a need to be owned.  She has a need to feel some sexual freedom and be the slut she so needs to be.  She has strong sexual urges and fantasies that are far from the lady she has been taught to be by her upbringing and society. 

One of the hardest aspects to overcome on her new journey is acceptance.  Not just acceptance...but self-acceptance.  She must accept the fact that this is who she is.  She must accept that fact that it is alright to feel what she is feeling.  She must accept the fact that it is alright to think the thoughts that she does.  She must accept the fact that she needs to feel the control of another person.  That she needs to be used and know that she is pleasing to the person in control.  That she has strong sexual urges that need to be fulfilled.  This can be a very difficult step to take.  Yet...once she takes it and accepts who she is and needs to be, it can be the biggest weight off her shoulders she has ever felt.  She can feel more free than she has ever felt.  She is free to be herself and cease the internal battle of show she is versus who she thinks she is expected to be. 

Once she can look in the mirror and see herself for who she is, then she has taken a giant step forward.  Once she looks at herself and doesn't see herself as broken, and is not ashamed of what she sees, then she can not only be all she hopes to be for herself, but for another person.  This is an internal tug-of-war that can be hard to overcome.  However, once she does, she can feel good about spreading her wings and taking flight. 

Broken?  I think Not!

Read more »

Less Submissive Positions

Photography by Gordon Denman

So I got to thinking...  I know, I know!  You coud feel the earth shake when it happened.  Blah blah blah!!! 

Anyway, some of the posts and sites i have been reading talk about scenes and scenarios a couple engage in, and involve the Dom/Master taking and using his sub/slave as he so chooses.  This is how it should be, I might add, and what she needs.  I got to thinking about the different positions that these couples are in and use to engage in sexual intercourse.  I for one, enjoy a myriad of positions, as each has it's own benefits and sensations.  Sometimes you just go where the moment takes you, and where that moment has you end up. 

It seems, however, that you don't hear or read much about a sub being on top and riding her Dom.  I like to have a woman on top.  Sometimes it's nice to lay there and let her work her magic.  Yet, being on top seems to come across as a position of power.  One of being in control.  Maybe I'm wrong, but this is just the perception I have in my head.  This being the case, I can understand why you don't hear much about it.  Why would a Dom, or a sub for that matter, want the sub on top and in control of the situation?  Other than the fact that it is just a pleasureable position for the mere sensation of the intercourse itself.

So my questions are these... 

1.  Does this position, woman on top, and assuming the woman is the sub, make her feel less submissive? 

2.  Does it make a Dom feel less Dominant?

3.  For the subs, what other positions make you feel less submissive and less controlled?

I'm just curious.  I haven't really seen a post on certain positions and their place in a D/s relationship.  Again, I'm always trying to learn and see all sides of a situation.   The better I, as a Dominant, understand both my side better and the sub side better, the better I can become as the Dominant person I am.  I am the type to be a logical thinker.  I need all sides involved to be able to make the best decision possible.  IT's one of those OCD personality traits I have.  I lot of my thought process doesn't work around feelings and attachments.  It is more based on information and what seems to be the best process and scenario given the information provided.  This is a fault, but also a blessing. 

I have digressed, and gotten off the topic.  I'm just curious as to other people involved in this lifestyle, and how they view different positions.  Bring on the comments!

Read more »

A Touching Moment

Photo by Roger Woods

I was searching through my vault of pics and came across this one.  I forgot I had it, but I do so love it.  

I believe it encompasses the esscence of a D/s relationship.  She is bound and on her knees showing her total submission to her Dom.  She is dressed sexy just for him.  She is waiting for him to instruct her.  He gently takes her face in his hand, lifts her chin, and looks her in the eye to be able to see what is his, and to feel the gaze back from her that says how much she is giving all she has to him. 

I would love your comments and feedback.  What do you see?  How does this image make you feel?  What does it bring to mind and heart for you? 

Read more »

What To Do?!?!

So...lie down and tell me...what should I do with you?!?! 

Should I spank your sweet ass?  You'd probably like that.  Should I make you service me?  You'd probably like that.  Should I tease you and make you want it so bad you can't stand it?  You'd probably like that too. 

Maybe I'll just stand over you in silence and let you wonder what is to come of you?!?!  All while I take in the sights your body has to offer!  Yeah...making you lay there, build your curiosity, the intensity, and making you wonder for now sounds like a great idea.  I like keeping you in the dark and not knowing what is coming next!

Read more »

Friday Enticement

Photography by Amel Kovich

Here is a little Friday enticement in hoping everyone has a great weekend!

Read more »

Take A Good Look In The Mirror

Photography by China Hamilton

Take a good look in the mirror!  What do you see?  Do you see the real you?  Who you really are?  Or... do you see the person that you put up for everyone to see?  The person you want everyone to think you are?  To believe you are?

I saw this picture and it made me think of some of the conversations I have had with my pet.  She has recently, within the past few months, faced the fact of who and what she is...a submissive that needs and craves to be controlled.  She has felt these feelings for years, yet she didn't really understand them.  Over her life, she always loved being a pleaser in the bedroom, being controlled, and wanting to be able to totally let go all her inhibitions and be the slut she needs to be.  Yet, she did not understand these feelings until very recently, and totally understand what these desires she had really meant.  She has stated that she has felt this way her whole life, but didn't really know what to do with it.  No sexual relationship, of the vanilla sort, has ever been very satisfying, but she did not know why and couldn't figure out exactly what she wanted on a sexual level.  Her daily family life and career also require her to be anything but submissive.  She must be strong and in charge. 

Alas... along comes Sir Dauntless!  LOL!  Seriously though, I have been able to help and enable to her to see and much more clearly understand her underlying feelings and desires.  She has voiced her thoughts on how much better she feels and how free she now feels after being able to see the light and better understand herself.  She refers to this as "total irony".  That fact that she has openly accepted who she feels she truly is and that she is submissive and now owned, yet she has never felt more free and better about herself.  With me, she has dropped the mask that everyone sees in her daily life, and let me see and lead the real "her" down this path.  She also realizes that how she was raised to be and act and the false front of what a good girl does and doesn't do has no bearing on this.  I not only expect but require that she be open, kinky, and the slut and whore you truly is and needs to be.

I think there are a lot of people who deny the existence of who they truly want to be, based on what they feel society expects of them.  People are conditioned to conform to what society expects, and so here comes the mask.  The mask that we use to show the world what we think they want to see.  I understand that in some cases, my own included, based on family and work, that the mask can be a must.  Yet...you also need to be able to take it off and be who you really are without holding yourself back and denying even to yourself who you are at your core.  For a lot of people, this can be an internal struggle that is difficult to get beyond, but once you face it and accept it, then it will enable you to be much more free and relaxed than you have ever been before.  This doesn't just apply to BDSM or D/s.  It can be in regards anything in your life. 

So...I challenge you to take a good look in the mirror and see who is looking back at you.  Is it the real you, or the one that is expected of you?  Are you denying your core existence and who you truly are?  If so, maybe it's time to take off the mask and feed the monster just enough to at least see what it is like.  You might just like what you find and how it feels!

Read more »