"Being Broken"...The Dominants Role

In my last post I talked about the subject of "breaking" a sub.  I got some great comments and had some good discussions as to how we all view this subject.  Sometimes a submissive feels the need herself to be broken, and sometimes her Dominant feels it is necessary.  Whatever the case, this is not about breaking her down completely, making her lose her identity, breaking her spirit, and trying to create something of your own choosing out of the shell of a person that remains.  This is about breaking down a specific wall or barrier for a specific purpose, and to help her be a better person, be the person she is deep inside, and the person she desires to be. 

I mentioned in my last post about all the recent posts in blogland that have been written lately in regards to this.  One thing I haven't seen much about is the role of the Dominant.  Let me make this very clear (my disclaimer)...this is not something for the beginner Dominant.  I feel it takes a very special  and knowledgeable hand to be able to do this correctly.  It is not something you just do and say I'm going to push until I break you. 

Being able to take a submissive to the edge and just over it requires a very intimate knowledge of the submissive.  You need to know her inside and out...physically, emotionally, and mentally.  You need to know what she can take and what she can't.  There is a very fine line between pushing her just over the edge to accomplish the intended goal, versus pushing her way past the edge and falling off the cliff.  You need to be able to read her actions and reactions and know when you are close and when you have reached the point you were out to find. 

This only comes with time and experience together.  Without this knowledge of her, you are just shooting aimlessly into the dark.  Maybe you'll hit your mark, and maybe you won't.  This isn't something where you are just guessing and hoping.  There is very little room for error here.  This requires a huge amount of trust and respect for the Dominant by the submissive.  She is putting herself in your hands, and trusting you know how to reach the intended goal without destroying her.  Not being able to read and understand her, you could very easily do her more harm than good. 

This should go without saying, but I will definitely make sure to cover it...AFTERCARE!!!  If aftercare was ever needed, this is the time for it.  you have taken to her to the edge and beyond, and brought about extreme emotions within her.  You certainly can't just leave her that way.  She needs to be held and supported and made to feel loved.  She needs to know you are there for her.  She needs to feel and see your care and know that you are there to prop her up now that you have taken her to what could have been one of her lowest points ever. 

This aftercare doesn't just mean fifteen minutes after the actions occurred.  From the mental and emotional side, it could mean seeing after her and keeping a check on her for days.  you don't just bring about extreme emotions, and ones that may have been hidden deep inside her for years or a lifetime, and expect she will be fine and over within a day or so.  You need to be there for her, to encourage her and talk to her openly about this as needed.  Anything less, in my opinion, in nothing but mental and emotional abuse.  You can't take her to a place like this and then just leave her to her own devices to work it out.  You got her here, you damn well better help her deal with it afterwards.

As a Dominant, this may not be something that is fun for you.  It may not play into your idea of being pleased and enjoyment.  But that's not what this is always about.  Being dominant isn't always fun and games.  It's about helping her reach her goals and become a better person.  It's about giving her what she needs, and maybe even requests.  This isn't just about fun, but about being a leader and a man, and being the best one you can be for your submissive.  It's about becoming a better Dominant yourself through the process. 

Through situations like this, she will need you more than ever.  Don't do her the disservice of not being there for her completely.  That defeats the whole purpose of the entire relationship.  Be the Dominant you say you are and need to be for her.  In the end, she will trust and respect you more than ever.  She will belong to you more than she has before.  She will be a better submissive for you, and a better woman.  And that is the entire purpose of taking her to the "breaking" point to begin with.  

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Aftercare (Blog Takeover)

As part of my blog takeover by all of you...my readers and followers...I received this question last night. 

"I have a friend who is exploring his Dominate side. We were discussing aftercare. He stated he wasn't good with aftercare because he lacked empathy. Could you write about Aftercare? The importance. The need. The affect."

This is a good question.  Aftercare is something that we all hear and talk about in this lifestyle.  I think aftercare is just as important as pre-care and during-care.  Ok...I made those two terms up, but I think you get the point.  LOL!  I think we can look at this with the illustration of a "bell curve", as seen to the right.

In general, as I noted, there can be three basic stages to play.  There is the warm-up session, also known as foreplay.  It's in this stage that you begin taunting and teasing and getting each other wound up, aroused, and excited.  This is the beginning and up-curve on the illustration.  The second stage is actual play...the meat of your time together.  This is where most of the actual sex and harder play is involved.  This is where the intensity peaks and all the physical sensations and emotions climax.  The third stage is aftercare, or the down side of the illustration.  This is where you slowly come back down from the high you are on, and settle back into normalcy.  Your body relaxes, the sensations subside, the endorphins begin to subside, and you slowly come back from euphoria.

Let me make this part very clear!  Notice on the bell curve how it slowly comes back down from the peak.  There is a ramp up in the beginning, reaching the peak, and then a ramp down period, until you reach the end.  IT DOES NOT ramp up and then just stop at the peak.  In this lifestyle, the ramp down period is just as important as the ramp up and the peak of play.  A sub needs this down time after play to feel her Dom's sensitive side.  She needs to be held.  She needs to be cuddled.  She needs to know and feel she has the appreciation and love she deserves for what she has given to him...her body, mind, and soul.  It is this close time together, after play, that it all comes together.  She is reassured by him of his pleasure with her, and can feel the appreciation he has for what he was able to take from her.  Without the aftercare, she can feel alone and isolated.  She can feel used and unappreciated, and not used in a good way.  Aftercare is just as important as the rest of the scene.

If you are like me, you need scenarios you can understand, so let me use this analogy...making dinner.  You spend time getting everything together for dinner.  You prepare and cook your dinner (ramp up).  Once all has been done and it is ready you reach the peak which is getting to eat and enjoy what you have prepared.  This is the climax and enjoyment of your efforts...a great meal.  Yet, at this point you aren't done.  The kitchen is a mess and there are dirty dishes to deal with and clean.  This is your ramp down period...cleanup.  You can't go to all the effort, enjoy your meal, and then just leave everything laying out and dirty.  You have enjoyed the fruits of your labor, but you also have to get everything back in order to the state is was before you started.  For a sub, it is this time of getting back in order that can be the most important.  It solidifies what you have done as a couple.  It can bring the two of you closer.

I know some Dominants see aftercare as something where they get no benefit.  To them, the control and Dominance is what they need.  I say that it is the aftercare for a sub that will enable a Dominant to get much more of what he needs.  When a sub gets this care, it will make her much more likely to want and need to give even more of herself.  If she feels neglected in a part of her needs, then this will cause problems and drive a wedge between the two of you.  She needs to feel cared for, appreciated and loved.  So, even though some may see aftercare as not important, I think it is more beneficial than you may realize.  This is a two way street...she is giving herself to you for all you need, so give her all she needs as well.  It is well worth the time and energy you put into it.  It will bring all the emotions together and bring the two of you closer.  Don't just use her and leave her to fend for herself.

Use the gift she has given you, but then help her settle back down afterwards, and care for her.  This is part of her needs.  If her needs aren't being met, then she won't be around forever.  To me it sounds pointless to stay somewhere and be with someone that isn't giving you what you need from your time together and in your relationship.  How beneficial is it to you, as a Dom, to not meet her needs?  To not help her become more for you?  To not enable her to become more for you?  Being selfish and only seeing to your own needs will only lead you to being alone in the long run.  So, how important is aftercare?  I guess that depends on if you like having a partner and submissive, or if you prefer to spend your time alone wishing you had one.

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Doing It Right?!?!

"This is how you know you're doing it right!" 

I came across this picture and it had this caption along with it.   This made me stop in my tracks and think...and stare...and think some more.  Is this true?  Is this how it is supposed to be?  Is this what we should all push for and strive to achieve?  To make her so emotional that she breaks down and cries?

I have written in the past (as many of you know) about feelings and emotions for a submissive in TTWD.  Do I think we should strive for this type of mental and emotional breakdown?  No, not strive for necessarily!  Do I think that this is bound to happen at times?  Yes...absolutely!  I think it is inevitable.  I don't think there is any way around it.

A submissive, whether new to her submission or one that is been involved in this for a while, can be very emotional.  A Master or Dominant is supposed to help her find herself.  To help her find who she really is and needs to be.  To help bring that out of her, into the open, and face it head on.  He is there to push her limits and take her farther than either of them know she can go.  This will bring out some very raw emotions, as well as nervousness and maybe even some fear.  She may not only be scared of what he may do to her, but of how she will react to it.  A majority of the time, this fear is of the unknown.  She is heading into uncharted waters and doesn't know what to expect.  This is only natural.

Just for the record, let me add my usual mantra about this process.  Any of you that follow me regularly know this already.  This isn't about blindly pushing and forcing a submissive to do things.  It isn't about doing things to her, just for the sake of doing them.  A Master or Dom should be very calculated in his approach and methods.  This should be done with care and safety in mind.   I don't necessarily believe in pushing to the point of breaking, with the intent of breaking.  Yet, at times it will happen.  If you are doing your job, she will be pushed past the breaking point at times.  However, it is the Doms job to be able to read her and see when she is there, even if the activity is new to him as well.  She is at his mercy and his control, and it is his job to take care of her.  There is never anything wrong with small baby steps and working into things.

You must be prepared to care for her not only during the process of the activity you are doing, but after as well.    The aftercare and support can be as important, if not more so, as the actual activity itself.  This is when she will know that you are there for her...the bond between you can strengthen...and she can feel the love and care you have for her.  It is in this that she knows she is not alone in dealing with this.  It re-affirms her decision to be yours, as she can see and feel that she gave herself to you, you pushed her, she went over the edge, and you are there to catch her and help her through the mental and emotional aspects that follow.  It is in this, that she will become even more yours, as the bonds between you grow deeper.

So...do I think you have to break her down, like in the picture, to be doing things right?  No I don't!  But I do think it will happen at times, whether it is planned or not.  It is part of the process.  It is how the two of you deal with it and deal with each other, when it does happen, that matters most.  It's this dealing with it that can ultimately show you both how much you mean to each other, bring you closer, and show you the purpose of the whole relationship.  She should never have to deal with these emotions on her own.  It should always be something you work through together to better understand where you have been, where you are, and where you would like to go.  Apart...you will not make it very far!  Together...you can climb mountains!

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You're Not Done When You're Done

I was reading a blog yesterday with a post that hit on something that I think is not mentioned as much as it probably should be, but is a very important aspect of a D/s experience.  The specific post I read was "Worked Down" by A Daddy and His Baby Girl.  Daddy wrote the post and it was a synopsis of a scene they participated in.  He did not specifically mention the topic that I will , but eluded to it's need very well.  The topic is.......aftercare.

Most of us read about scenarios, activities, and scenes all the time.  We see how involved and intense they can be.  Most of us at some point have engaged in activities that were extremely intense as well.  Typically though, we just read and hear about the activity itself.  A very important aspect is after the scene is over and done with.  This is when it all comes together. 

After an intense session, or even a not so intense session, a sub needs time to relax and come back down to earth...or out of subspace as the case may be.  Having been through an intense situation she needs to feel all the comfort and nuturing that her Dom can give her.  She has just been through a tremendously tense and stressful situation, even if it was pleasureable.  A lot of the time it involved pain on a multitude of levels and intensities.  She has been used by her Dom for his pleasure.  She has been treated and controlled by her Dom the way he desires, and she has submitted herself to him in receiving this attention.  Yet when it's all said and done she needs to feel the love and support only he can give her.

A sub needs this down time after her session to feel her Dom's sensitive side.  She needs to be held.  She needs to be cuddled.  She needs to know and feel she has the appreciation and love she deserves for what she has given to him...her body, mind, and soul.  It is this close time together after a session that it all comes together and becomes a complete circle.  She is reassured by him of his pleasure with her, and can feel the appreciation he has for what he was able to take from her.  Without the aftercare, she can feel alone and isolated.  She can feel used and unappreciated, and not used in a good way.  Aftercare is just as important as the rest of the scene.  Aftercare should be part of your scene. It should never be left out. A sub should always receive it to complete the circle of submission back to her Dom. If the circle is not completed, the sub can in a sense be left wandering around trying to find her way and get lost not knowing which direction to go. 

So, when you're done with your scene, you still aren't done.  Hold you sub tight and let her know how much she means to you.  She needs to know that you needed what you got from her and that you are there for her no matter what.  She needs to comfort only her Dom can provide in that very moment.  she needs to know that her Dom cares enough to see her through this and that what she gives him worthwhile. 

Aftercare...don't forget it or leave it out.  It may occur after the scene is over, but is a big part of the overall sceanrio of your time together.

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