big red hearts: Being alone

I recently received a email form a follower. Actually more of a lurker, but that's beside the point. Anyway...she is going through a very tough time in her life and with her submission. Well, it's more of her lack of being able to submit due to not being in a relationship at the moment. She asked for my help, and honestly didn't think I could do this alone.

So, DV is here asking for help from you, my readers and followers. I would love your comments and advice for this nice lady. I know a lot of you have been through, or are going through, a similar situation. Any advice and/or support you could give her, to let her know she is not alone, would be great. I asked for and got permission to post parts of her email. It has been altered a bit for security reasons and she will remain anonymous. Oh, let's give her a name to make it easier. How about...Becky! Becky's email is as follows:

I read your post on laughter today. You made some good points of keeping laughter in your life no matter what the situation. Laughter has been sorely missing from my life lately, but it is coming back slowly. Right now I am very isolated in my life and haven't found a way to change that. No, I am not wallowing in self pity about the circumstances of my life or my ended relationship. In fact, I have dealt better in this relationship ending than the ending of past ones. I feel like I need to harden myself and shut off my emotions so I can get back to where I was this time last summer when I did not feel the "need" for a relationship. I was happy alone then. Yes, I had unfinished business from past relationships that I needed to resolve within myself and I did resolve them, and a lot of my ability to do that came from the help you gave me and the insight you had last year into how much I needed to let go of all I still carried with me and the huge walls around me. I say this with confidence, that those past relationships are set to rest. But, hardening myself and shutting off emotions is not the right way to become happy even though alone.

However, when I read your "Laughter" post. I realized, that I, like you said of yourself, have always been a person who liked to pick on people, joke around with them, be sarcastic, and tease them unmercifully at times. In fact, I always said and still do that teasing is one of the ways I show affection to others. May sound strange to some. I like to kid around and be sarcastic, but sarcastic with a smile on my face. But, in reading your post, I realized I have stopped doing all that now for a while. I know that the man from my recent relationship was drawn to me by my joking, teasing, etc. Just as with sex, crying, spanking, laughter is a good tension reliever. I need to get my laughter, joking around, teasing self back. So, feel free to pick on me to get me back into the groove.

You know, I have always been into spanking, but it was not a part of my recently ended relationship. I am beginning to think that I may go through my entire life and never experience that even once during sex or for acting out. Of course, there are other things I would like to experience in a D/s relationship, too. Earlier, I mentioned that I needed to harden myself and shut off my emotions and get back to where I was last summer in being "ok" alone. But, I feel very lost and disconnected without a relationship in my life now. I went many years without it, locked that desire away, and then since this last man, I can't let go of the desire for D/s as a part of my life. I know you can't let yourself fall into feeling lonely and sad, but rather keep a positive outlook, and open heart, and a smile on your face, and laughter as a tool and release. I do that most days. But, this morning I was thinking about tomorrow being my birthday. Then I thought of what my life was comprised of the day before I turn another year older, as we all do, and realized there is no one person in this world to whom I am considered to be the most important person in their life. The one person they live, breathe, learn from, grow for, and look forward to seeing every day. It made me think that this fact is kind of a two-edge sword because even though I know each person, including me, is special and just as important to the world by themselves, alone; no less important because they are not connected to another person in a special relationship, we measure our lives and the importance of others around us based on who we love and who loves us totally and without reproach. I have found that the loss of my recent relationship this past May to be particularly painful due to the intense connection, the dynamics of the relationship, the intertwine of submission and dominance, the extent of honesty, respect, and trust built up, the revelation of who we are at our core in order to realize the benefits of TTWD. I have felt loss and heart sickness, and pain from the loss of past relationships (vanilla ones), but nothing like the "ripping and tearing" all the way down to my inner core from a D/s relationship loss. You have to let all of "you" and who "you are" out and lay it before your partner in order to realize TTWD. All of which makes the fall from the loss of a D/s relationship all the harder. It is so much more hard coming out of a D/s relationship and finding a place within you where you can be at peace with your D/s desires yet not able to have someone in your life and a relationship with someone.

I know that when D/s relationships end both the Dom and the sub are "cut to the bone" due to the intensity of their connection to each other. The sub who has given to her Dom her complete trust in that he will be there to keep her safe and protected and her world even and balanced, looking only to him to lead and guide her, to bring her happiness in that he desires and values her submitting to him as much as she desires and values being able to submit to him, only him. All of that is a "life line" connecting the sub to her dom. She learns to depend on that "life line" and when it is suddenly yanked away, she is lost and left floundering. Her "safeness and balance" is gone. Yes, you miss the love, kisses, good times together, places you went that were special and all the other things that make up a couple's life together. But, it is the loss of the "life line" between you and your Dom and the missing "safeness and balancing of your core being" that keeps you awake at night.

I know there are some of you out there that can relate to Becky's situation and feelings. Anything you can say to help her cope and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel would be greatly appreciated. Being the lurker she is, Becky will be reading your comments and may even chime in herself, if she so desires. So, feel free to ask questions as well, because she can always respond as anonymous and signed Becky. Thanks in advance to all of you for your comments and support.

DV

I read a post yesterday, and it has had me perplexed. I can't quite put my finger on what it is about the post and explain what I'm thinking. So, I'm hoping putting into words on here will help. The post was written by a Dominant blogger that I respect very much. The great thing about we Dominants is that many of us are on the same page and respect each others approach and views, yet we can all be a bit different at the same time. The Dom writes great thought provoking posts that many times really makes me sit back and think. That is a great thing, as I relish being made to think about different and new angles on topics. This post did that more than most. The post is Being One and was written by Sir J on A Dominant Character.

The main point in his post, as I read and understand it, is that having a partner isn't about that person making you complete. They don't complete you. They don't make you whole. Sir J surmises that you complete yourself and be able to enjoy yourself alone, and then you decide to make room for others in your life. I am having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around this...which brings me to where I am at this moment. I am going to something I rarely do with anything Sir J writes. I am going to respectfully disagree.

I do think you have to be happy with yourself. A person needs to understand and know themselves intimately. They do need to be able to enjoy time alone and not be constantly dependent upon other people, or another person. You can't be a miserable person and not like yourself, and then expect someone else to come along and make it all better. If you can't even like yourself, and are a miserable person with who you are, then how in the hell can you expect to be able to make anyone else happy. We all have our flaws and things about ourselves. That is only natural for us all. But I am talking about our deep inner psyche and how we see ourselves as a person. You have to look at that inner self in the mirror and either like who you are or be willing to take the steps to change to who you want to be to get to a place where you do like who you are. This isn't something you can expect anyone else to do for you.

Now we get to the point where I disagree with Sir J. Maybe another person doesn't complete you. Maybe they don't make you whole, as Sir J indicates. But, they can sure make you feel that way. With the right partner, everything can feel different. Things change. You as a person change. I think it's the chemistry and connection between two people that cause this change. Another person, or partner, can make you see things differently than you can do by yourself. They can open you up and make you face situations that you wouldn't do on your own, or even think about needing to do on your own. That special person can take you places you never dreamed of on your own. The right partner can make you see things differently and make you a better person for it. The right partner can take your inner happiness to a whole new level.

I came across this quote that made me really think about my thoughts versus what I think Sit J is saying:

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
— Carl Jung

I think this quote is true. Especially when it comes to the chemistry of love and attraction between two people. You have to be happy with and about yourself as a person. Yet, when you meet the right partner, the two of you will be able to transform into something bigger and better. The meshing and reacting of the two of you, as two separate chemical substances, can end up being one chemical substance that works better as a unit. Each still have their individuality within the reaction, but together they become a much stronger substance. The biggest difference in chemicals and personalities and psyches is that if this joining of substances happens to end, you should be able to move ahead as a better person for learning from the experience. A chemical just goes back to being that chemical.

Don't just be a chemical substance. Be happy with yourself and be happy with your partner. Allow yourself to open up, learn, and grow because of each other. Take what you learn and become better for it. Don't learn nothing and just be a stagnant substance that will never be more than the chemical state that it is. Transform! Become better! Become stronger! Be a partnership. You don't have to totally rely on others for your happiness. Maybe your partner doesn't complete you. But...they can and will make you a better person and take you places you couldn't go on your own. Maybe it's not that I disagree with Sir J's position...I just have a different view of it!

(I still love you Sir J)

big red hearts

Seeking Advice From You...All My Dear Followers

Respectfully Disagreeing (I think?!?!)