I recently received the below question as a comment on an older post. I replied to the post and asked the anonymous commentor to send me an email, but wasn't sure if they would see the comment I made or not. I think this is a good question and one that comes up in marriages fairly frequently. So, why not post it here and hopefully help some people. The comment left was as follows:
My wife and I are thinking about doing this ,but I don't know how to start this life style. I'm not sure I can be a Dom. My wife seems to think i am. So how do I start to change it?
First and foremost, it's imperative that you and your wife have some real heart to heart open and honest discussions about this...about what she wants from it and why. About why she has decided she needs this and what she wants to get and feel from you as her Dominant. You need to be able to talk to her about your concerns and feelings as well. This is no time to clam up and be the stereo-typical man. Lay it all out there. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to come to you with this, so give her the time and respect of expressing your thoughts about it.
Before you can start, you have to realize this isn't just rough sex, being harsh, talking bad, or beating her. It can involve those things, or the things you two choose, but it's so much more. It's a mindset. It's trust and respect on a whole other level. It is about you being a leader and guide for her. Someone she can defer to to make decisions. Someone she can submit to in order to feel your strength and control. This is very mental and emotional, and not just being bossy. Being bossy is being domineering, not Dominant. Being Dominant is done with care, love, appreciation and concern.
I would suggest starting out very slow. Start out just in the bedroom. It can be a big change to go from your standard marriage to one with power exchange. So take it slow so you can both move into it in comfort and get used to it. Figure out some things in the bedroom you want to try, and go for it. Maybe one at a time or maybe more. But play with it, enjoy it, and try to have fun above all else. After all, this is about meeting needs for each of you, while putting a new layer into the mix. Have a safe-word in place as well. That way she can stop things if they go to far, and so you'll know she needs to stop whatever you're doing. "Stop", "no", and "don't" are not safe-words. LOL!
Backing up just a bit, you said you didn't know if you could be Dom. This is where the communication comes in. You two need to talk and figure out what she thinks a Dominant is in her mind. It may be different than what you are imagining. Make sure you are on the same page. You have to be able to talk the same language and understand each other. Figure out what she sees in this and wants from it, and you can tell her what you think and see as well. These talks in themselves can help to bring you closer.
If you have more specific questions, by all means feel free to email me. I will be happy to help any way I can. I will also ask my readers and followers to add anything they think and see as important that I may have missed. This could be a chance for many of us to help and add to this conversation. So everyone...add to this and pick up on some of the things I may have missed or your suggestions to help this couple get on the right track with what can be such a beautiful dynamic.
DV
My wife and I are thinking about doing this ,but I don't know how to start this life style. I'm not sure I can be a Dom. My wife seems to think i am. So how do I start to change it?
First and foremost, it's imperative that you and your wife have some real heart to heart open and honest discussions about this...about what she wants from it and why. About why she has decided she needs this and what she wants to get and feel from you as her Dominant. You need to be able to talk to her about your concerns and feelings as well. This is no time to clam up and be the stereo-typical man. Lay it all out there. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to come to you with this, so give her the time and respect of expressing your thoughts about it.
Before you can start, you have to realize this isn't just rough sex, being harsh, talking bad, or beating her. It can involve those things, or the things you two choose, but it's so much more. It's a mindset. It's trust and respect on a whole other level. It is about you being a leader and guide for her. Someone she can defer to to make decisions. Someone she can submit to in order to feel your strength and control. This is very mental and emotional, and not just being bossy. Being bossy is being domineering, not Dominant. Being Dominant is done with care, love, appreciation and concern.
I would suggest starting out very slow. Start out just in the bedroom. It can be a big change to go from your standard marriage to one with power exchange. So take it slow so you can both move into it in comfort and get used to it. Figure out some things in the bedroom you want to try, and go for it. Maybe one at a time or maybe more. But play with it, enjoy it, and try to have fun above all else. After all, this is about meeting needs for each of you, while putting a new layer into the mix. Have a safe-word in place as well. That way she can stop things if they go to far, and so you'll know she needs to stop whatever you're doing. "Stop", "no", and "don't" are not safe-words. LOL!
Backing up just a bit, you said you didn't know if you could be Dom. This is where the communication comes in. You two need to talk and figure out what she thinks a Dominant is in her mind. It may be different than what you are imagining. Make sure you are on the same page. You have to be able to talk the same language and understand each other. Figure out what she sees in this and wants from it, and you can tell her what you think and see as well. These talks in themselves can help to bring you closer.
If you have more specific questions, by all means feel free to email me. I will be happy to help any way I can. I will also ask my readers and followers to add anything they think and see as important that I may have missed. This could be a chance for many of us to help and add to this conversation. So everyone...add to this and pick up on some of the things I may have missed or your suggestions to help this couple get on the right track with what can be such a beautiful dynamic.
DV
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