The Fear Of...

I have noticed over my years of being a Dominant (that made me sound old didn't it?!?!  lol!), that there are a lot of of very strong women that want and need to be involved in a power exchange relationship.  Many of these women have a personality than no one would ever think that they would want to submit to someone.  They are very independent, strong, confident, attractive, and project themselves well in front of others.  Their daily lives many times consists of having to be in charge, lead, and direct.  They are in positions of authority in the workplace or community.  They are very goal oriented, and even perfectionists in all they do.  Even to the point of being a bit OCD in having to have everything a certain way.

So, why on earth would a woman like this be interested in a relationship where she has no power or control?  Why would she want to submit and give control to someone else?  The simple answer...because she needs it.   Many times, this type woman is in these positions because of her drive to succeed.  Yet, she craves direction.  Her need to achieve, being able to follow direction, accomplish all that has been asked her, and move up the ladder within her career has gained her all she has sought.  But, now she has surpassed being able to follow directives and achieve what has been asked of her.  She is now the one in charge, and that may not sit well with her needs.  The irony is that her need to please and do well, and flourishing under others, is the very thing that moved her up into a position of having to guide others beneath her.  Doing so well for others, at least in the workplace, is what got her noticed, promoted, and put in charge. 

In being able to submit, it is her release.  It's gets her back in balance, and it the one place she can let go of the pressures of everything else and relax.  She feels most comfortable in being in a structured environment where she is accountable to someone else.  A place where someone else has oversight of her.  For many overachieving women, though, this brings on a new problem within the D/s realm.  That problem is Fear.  It's not fear of her partner, fear of what he may do, or fear of what he will require of her.  It's fear of not being enough.  Fear of disappointing him. 

In the workplace, there are boundaries.  She can only be pushed so far.  In her relationship, she knows she can constantly be pushed.  She can be pushed further than in anything else.  This can bring out a fear of disappointment.  In her mind, this is worse than anything that could be done to her.  She is used to being able to accomplish her goals and succeed.  But in D/s, she will be pushed mentally, emotionally, and physically like in nothing else.  She will be made to bare herself, emotionally and physically,  The one thing that can hold her back is the fear of not being enough to her Dominant.  Not being enough as a woman.  Not being enough as a submissive.  Not being able to give enough of herself, and the fear that she will disappoint her Dom in her efforts.  She is used to giving her all and being successful.  Yet, in D/s she is afraid that she will not be as successful and will let her Dominant down.  This fear can take over and cause a lot of problems in the relationship if not noticed and handled properly. 

Luckily for us Doms, this can be a good thing.  With some care and attention, and lots of communication, this can be addressed.  In handling this carefully, showing her what she means to you, and that you have no worry at all on your side about her ability to please you, she can find comfort in her abilities and what she means to you.  It takes a lot of care, support and reassurance.  But in the end, this process can bring you both closer, build the trust level to be stronger, and she will respect you more for the Dominant you are in helping, supporting and guiding her.  She will respect and believe in you more as a man, for taking the time to show her that her fears are unfounded, and just how grateful you are for all she is and gives to you. 

Fear of being a disappointment is something all Dominants need to be aware of abut their submissives. In the Doms mind, it may be completely unfounded.  But in her mind, it is very real.  And most importantly, if it is real to her, then it better become real to you.  Do not make light of it and push it aside.  Be very aware of it, and learn how to deal with it.  She will appreciate you more for understanding and working her through this mental block.  To me, it's part of the process in being a good leader and Dom for her.  It isn't always just fun play and games.  There are serious situations that sometimes need to be addressed.  It can take time, as well, to work through these issues.  But, the end result in taking this time and working through this together, is well worth all the effort.